If you have friends who know how to give real empathy when you need it, you’re fortunate. More likely it sounds like one, or a combination, of these…
Advising ………….. “I think you should …” “Why don’t you … ?” (strategies)
Analysing …………. “How exactly did this happen?”
Colluding …………. “You are SO right! Men are such bastards!”
Comparing ………. “That’s nothing! Wait till you hear what happened to me once …!”
Correcting ……….. “You’re the one in the wrong here …”
Counselling ………. “Do you recognise this pattern …? Is this a familiar experience from your childhood?”
Data-gathering ……. “Was that right after lunch, or did all this happen later?”
Diagnosing ……….. “The real problem I see is …”
Discounting ………. “Oh, it’s not as bad as all that …”
Educating ………….. “You could learn something from this experience …”
Fixing ………………. “I can sort this out for you …”
Pitying …………….. “Oh, you poor thing …”
Reassuring ………… “Don’t worry, you did your best!”
Sympathising …….. “I know just how you feel. I feel exactly the same.”
Ignoring / Diverting … (Talking about something else, changing the subject)
Some of these responses may have their place in giving short-term support to our friends. However, they are not the same as empathy!
Here are some more detailed examples of non-empathy.